Interview With Author Kari Berit: The Unexpected Caregiver

Kari Berit Discusses The Unexpected Caregiver

More than 30 million Americans are caring for someone over the age of 50. And many of them find themselves to be unexpected caregivers. The Unexpected Caregiver is a new book by Kari Berit, who has been a family caregiver and worked with older adults for nearly two decades in a variety of aging services and senior housing settings. Kari is an author, speaker and consultant who takes on elephant-in-the-room issues of caregiving and aging in a way that leaves her audiences saying, ‘Thank You.’ Changing Aging recently sat down with Kari to discuss her new book:

What were your goals in writing your book?

Several. One: Family caregivers don’t always consider the impact of taking care of their parents-it will bring families together and tear them apart at the same time. One of my goals was to help raise awareness of caregiving as a new role, an additional role. Many times a daughter will stop by her mom’s house after work, drop off a few groceries, and not consider this a new role. Soon she’s trying to figure out how to take an extra lunch break so she can take Mom to the doctor or pick up her medications using her own money. We need to recognize the role and then ask ourselves how we want to play it out, knowing, of course, that we can’t plan for everything. We are only in charge of how we respond to this new role.Two: We need to recognize how our past relationships to our parents (and family) and try new ways of connecting. When I worked as a professional caregiver, it was easy to get to know the residents for who they were presently. For families, it’s too easy to get caught up in what Mom or Dad used to be like, becoming frustrated when they aren’t as sharp or physically fit as they once were. In my book, I encourage you to get to know your parents for who they are today. Learn about generational differences, communication challenges and ways to understand past relationships and move into new, updated, adult relationships.Three: Too often we don’t know how to talk about elephant issues, such as end-of-life wishes or money. I wanted to present ways to ease into those trickier conversations. As an activity director, I was often challenged with reaching residents through creative ways. In my book, I share some of these ideas and offer them as ways to create richer, more meaningful connections with your parents, and also dive into those touchy subjects.Fourth: I wanted to share my professional and personal insights. As a society, we will be relying on family and informal caregivers more than ever. We need information, insight and training. The Unexpected Caregiver can help new and seasoned caregivers, by presenting ideas that bring out creativity, humor and much love.

What are some of the ‘difficult’ questions you address that people often don’t know where to get insights?

How to talk about loneliness, death, making a move; how to encourage your parents to get outside themselves, how to communicate, understand family and generational differences; how to work with someone with dementia, to be present in your parents end of life; how to talk about the ‘stuff’ and how to retain yourself, while being a caregiving for your parents, to name a few.

You talk about ‘play’ being an important part of the caregiving experience, what do you mean by that?

If you’re not connected to kids or animals on a daily basis, it’s sometimes difficult to give yourself permission to play. When we play, we’re in the present moment. We’re not worrying about ‘what ifs’ or ‘should haves.’Much of playing has to do with letting go and we need to let go of a lot of negative self-talk when we give care. Many of us aren’t trained, yet we’re so hard on ourselves for not doing it ‘right.’ Let go of what others will think. Let go of the negative self-talk or your fears of appearing silly. Often, silly is the point of the exercise. That voice in your head saying, ‘I don’t have time for this kind of foolishness,’ or ‘It’s too late to try something new,’ is really just fear of embarrassment talking.If you are someone who dares to try new things, who can and does play like no one is watching, you’ll find you have a better attitude and more energy for your caregiving activities, as well as for your family and the ‘rest of your life.’ Plus, you’ll be a positive influence on your parents whenever they’re feeling that there’s no fun left in life. Live light-hearted and know that play is good for the heart, soul and brain-yours and theirs.

At the end of caregiving comes death. Can caregiving have a happy ending?

Often there comes a time when the caregiver says, ‘I just wish Dad would die, so I can get on with my life.’ Generally, they feel guilty after expressing this, but there is a sense of truth to the statement. It’s not meant maliciously, but rather, a voiced recognition of a feeling and yearning to return to ‘normal.’ If the caregiver is able to be fully present through the dying process, caregiving can certainly have a gratifying ending. I’m not sure ‘happy’ is the correct word, but being able to walk with someone-especially a parent-at the end of their life is a true gift.There is a sense of emptiness that comes with death. No longer is the caregiver’s life directed by the needs of another. It’s easy to miss that and feel like your life, sans the caregiving role, is devoid of meaning. No longer are you needed, and that can feel lonely. I’ve found that caregivers who have recently lost a loved one often turn to helping others. While this is a good thing, it’s also a good thing to take time to recharge your own batteries. Caregiving is taxing. It takes a great amount of energy and I often suggest down time after a death.

What can professional caregivers take from this book?

The original ideas came from my work as a professional caregiver, so the book is very applicable to this group. Professional caregivers gain creative insights in how to make quicker, richer connections. They also gain a better understanding of the family dynamics that take place. Professional caregivers can struggle to understand why someone’s mom or dad is in assisted living or skilled care; ‘Why can’t the family take care of them?’ they ask. Reading my book helps professionals connect back to their own family systems and remember that it isn’t always easy to care for a family member.There are also ideas of how to reach out to families, use mental fitness cards and children’s books to start conversations with residents. I include a primer on dementia and using music to encourage professional caregivers to give of themselves as they care. I’ve used the book in professional training and also suggest giving this book to family members as a gift, a way to say, ‘we care and want to help you become a better caregiver.’

Can you describe for our readers the characteristics of what comprises a good caregiving experience – both for the caregiver and the person receiving care?

If you’re willing to let go, be present, you give a huge gift to your care receiver and to yourself. We run around being busy for most of our days and with caregiving comes the opportunity to slow down…it’s up to us to accept the gift.If you’re willing to laugh at yourself as you make mistakes in caregiving, knowing you’re learning a new job, you’ll be a good caregiver.If you’re able to learn new things, use creativity, listen to others, you’ll make a good caregiver.Mostly, it’s about love. If you’re giving care out of love, you’ll always be a good caregive